The Pursuit of Ahh

As a child, teenager and adult I have accumulated a vast array of vivid memories and happy times, feeling free and excited. Pool hopping with my friends in the summer, winter holidays and just laid back times hanging out with friends. My life has drastically changed over the last decade, I have taken on the new roles of wife and mother and with that comes new joys and new fears. I sometimes find myself wondering  when was the last time I felt "light" or carefree? I tend to take on most of the responsibilities and concerns of my household and our children, this causes me to feel not so light or carefree. I'm so blessed to have a wonderful husband and 2 great kids but there are times when I wonder if I will ever recapture those feelings of my younger years. Will I ever not feel stressed out or weighed down by the concerns of everyday life and actually feel relaxed?
I came to the conclusion that it's not realistic  for me to be search of that "old feeling", I'm not the same person and the circumstances will never be the same as they were when I was 15 or 19 or 25. I've realized that the way my life is now has it's own set of possibilities for fun times and  happy memories. One of our family's favorite things to do is spend time at my in laws place on the lake, it's a chance for us to get away from it all and really connect as a family, not many rules are enforced because we're there to have FUN. Sitting on a quiet piece of beach, reading a book or listening to music and watching the kids content playing in the water is relaxing!  This is a moment I hang onto and it gives me hope to know I do have the ability to feel relaxed and "light", but as a mom I need to seek it out and be open enough to recognize it when it's happening. One thing I have noticed over the years is that as a mom, I need to be proactive and create pockets of time to have fun or kick back it doesn't just "happen" like it did when I was younger. I arrange time to spend with my husband or friends, my life is too busy for it to just spontaneously happen. It's kinda sad but it's just the way it is and rather than fighting it, I've accepted it and worked with it.

The fact is, my life is filled with responsibilities, concerns and people counting on me but I don't need to let it consume my every thought and feeling 24/7. For my sake and the sake of my family and friends, I need to create a balance and embrace those little moments of "ahhh feelings".

3 Sinus Infections, 2 Crabby Kids and 1 Tired Mama

Sitting in the pediatrician's office for the 2nd time in less than a week. Cough, cough,cough. We're all SO sick and tired of being sick and tired! I can't wait for us to be healthy again. Between taking care of the kids, coughing my ass off and having terrible night's sleep I have had no energy or drive to do anything.  It kind of bums me out to feel like this. The whole concept of how colds, flus and sickness are generated during the winter months is pretty gross, everyone shut inside, heat blowing, germs multiplying....  Ok I'm rambling in the doctor's office but I am a little delirious and light headed from coughing so...
When I was a kid growing up in the fridgid turndra of the Chicago suburbs my mom would sometimes have to take my brother's and I  down to my grandparent's in Florida to actually get well?! I wish my in-laws had a condo in Florida right about now...

I keep visualizing my kids and I all healthy and playing outside in the spring air. Yeah, well it's supposed to snow this weekend so I'll be satisfied with just healthy.
Hang in there all you mamas with sick kiddos and sick selves,  we will survive, we will get by. 

Use Your Words

Healthy communication is essential for any relationship whether it's with your children, your spouse, your family or your friends, if the line of communication is bad the relationship will suffer. I know this is sometimes way easier said than done but as mothers we are faced with this everyday in a big way. 

I have gone through times when I have been exhausted and overwhelmed with a baby on my hip (or breast) and  desperately needing help from my husband but had a hard time asking so I would just get irritated because he couldn't read my mind and know I needed his help or go completely against the laws of nature and just spontaneously offer to help me. But when I finally asked him he would gladly do what ever I needed. Over the years, I've made peace with the fact that I'm going to (almost always) have to ask for his help . Maybe some of you ladies are blessed enough to have a super domestically conscientious husband that just senses when things need to be done but from talking with friends, that's not the norm so count yourself lucky.

 I am not afraid to "rock the boat" and say what I feel, I'm not a bitchy, nagging wife, I just let my husband know how I'm feeling, good or bad. This works for us because he knows he can do the same and that way we are never guessing how each other feels. I found that the few times I've "stuffed it" and didn't tell him what was bugging me it just created a bigger problem that usually resulted in an argument. I don't have the time or energy to fight with my husband, it's no fun and it sets a bad example for our kids so we try our hardest to avoid it from happening.  My husband and I  are constantly being interrupted from whatever conversation we may be attempting to have with each other, this can get frustrating. So when we're feeling "out of touch", he and I have "stay at home dates" where we get take out and just enjoy being at home together alone, able to talk  to each other uninterrupted  or watch a movie that isn't rated G. It gives us a chance to reconnect without spending a lot of money or being around a  bunch of people we don't know.

 

As parents, we teach our kids how to talk which in turn helps them build a solid foundation for communicating with others. Sometimes we forget that we're "on stage" 24/7 which means our children are always watching us and soaking it all in. Have you ever seen one of your kids use a mannerism that is scarily familiar or a tone you find yourself using (maybe too often)? If we're quiet and mellow our kids will tend to be the same, if we're prone to raising our voices chances are our kids will do the same. I know this because I've seen both results in my home. Notice I used the words  tend and chances are, it's not always guaranteed, I have been in a fine mellow mood and had my daughter wake up in a snit for no apparent reason. The hardest part for me is not getting sucked into their yelling, whining or general bad mood,I've found it only makes things worse. Maintaining an even tone when  your child is going off the rails can take a lot of patience, so I take a breath and find away for them to cool down. Sometimes it works and sometimes they need a "break" in their rooms but eventually it subsides. The main thing for me is having my kids know that  they can come to me and tell me anything, I think this will come in handy when they're teenagers (hope, hope). 

Being a mother can be a very isolating experience at times and let's face it, just because you're a mom and the woman sitting near you at the park is a mom doesn't mean you're going to be friends. Making friends is hard and when you're a mom, keeping them is harder. There are so many more elements to a friendship now compared to  when you were in your 20's and single. Your places in life, parenting styles,  kids getting along, conflicting schedules, etc. But if you're lucky enough to meet someone that you really click with I say to do everything you can to stay in touch and see each other whenever possible. Life tends to get hectic and if you haven't had time to see or talk with your friends just let them know what's up, that way there is no confusion or hurt feelings. In this day and age of so many forms of communication there should be no excuse for "dropping off the face of the earth", a little text or Facebook message could go along way.  Real talking and meeting up face to face is definitely the best, but not always feasible. I've said it before and I'll say it again, sometimes I feel like a new person when I've had a good coffee session with a friend, it's so important to have that type of connection. Maintaining friendships with other women helps me feel like a woman, not just a wife and mother. I feel super blessed to have my husband and my children in my life but I still feel like I need to have a part of me, just for me.  As a mother, I want to set an example for my kids by showing them that I can maintain healthy, authentic lines of communication with the people in my life. 

Guilty Pleasure?

I had a plan to hit the gym 3 times a week and well... life got in the way and the next thing I knew 2 weeks had gone by without a workout. This weighs on me physically and mentally, why do I buckle under the pressures of the day and not do it? I'm dedicated to taking care of my kids and everything else I do, why can't I do the same for myself? Historically, I've always had an easier time buying something for someone else over myself, I felt sick to my stomach the first time I bought myself a nice handbag. Ridiculous! I work hard everyday taking care of everyone else, I deserve to  treat myself to something once in a while. I know this but I still feel guilt when I do it. I'm a happier person when I take care of myself rather than schlepping around like a martyr, but it's such an easy role to fall into when you're a mom. When we, as mothers, are constantly doing for others and giving out all of our energy and neglecting ourselves we are opening ourselves up to a myriad of negative things including resentment.The last thing I want to feel is resentful towards my husband or kids because I don't have the will power to make myself a priority.
 Mom's have grown accustomed to "going without" (sleep, new clothes, exercise and basic "me time") but it's not right or fair. I have found that when I do take an hour to hit the gym or meet a friend for lunch I feel refreshed, excited and just all around happier, a little bit goes along way. If we showed ourselves the same kind of commitment and dedication we show our families, everyone would benefit.

Where Does the Time Go?

I feel like one minute I'm waking up and the next thing I know I getting the kids ready for bed?! Where does the day go? Is my life literally flashing before my eyes? Sometimes it seems like hours go by unaccounted for. I want my days back! I get up, get everything in order for the kids , get them fed, dressed and ready for school, give myself 15 minutes to  look like I didn't crawl out from under a rock and dash out the door. Next thing I know it's 3pm and I've  only gotten through half of what I needed to get done and it's time to think about homework, dinner and bed again.

The pace of my life and the lives of many others seems way too fast, where's the time to stop and ask someone how their day is going (oh it's going, going gone!) or to just connect on any level? I used to drive myself mad always trying to make sure everything got done everyday. Impossible! I had to decide what was really important and what could wait for another day, after school and into the evening needed to belong to my family, not me going into "maid mode" or sitting in front of the computer doing work. I needed to let go of the idea that a clean, orderly house equaled a great wife and mom, because it doesn't. On a crazier note, sometimes I just want to sit and read a book or watch a tv show while the kids play before bed and have a little down time for myself. It's important to shorten your "to do" list and lengthen your "to be" list.

Sick Mama

As mothers, we are the ones that keep our household running like a well oiled machine but when mom gets sick everything seems to come to a screeching halt. Most good husbands/partners try their best to pick up the slack but it's not the same as the way you run things.Inevitably,  frozen burritos will be served for dinner and very little/ if anything, will be cleaned or picked up around the house, but thinking of this may just make you feel sicker.

This Sunday my daughter and I fell victim to a brutal stomach flu which put us totally out of commission. In the midst of my multiple trips to the bathroom my son asked me if we would be able to go to the YMCA swimming pool tonight?! Um, nope. Children operate from a place of "mom's always up doing stuff and taking care of us, what's the deal?" I found myself laying in bed flanked with both kids just wanting to be with me even though I felt (and probably looked) like death. My husband would periodically ask me if I needed anything but mostly stayed away, which was fine because I didn't want him catching this awful bug. We all know what it's like when men get sick...

There are very few illnesses that truly put moms down for the count but the stomach flu is definitely one of them. I find myself plugging along through colds on minimal sleep, feeling miserable but I can't just stop what I'm doing and take a nap, no way! Luckily, this flu was 24hours so as soon as I regained  a little energy I found myself feebly shuffling around the house in my bathrobe  "trying" to do things. Gotta pick up the house and put everything back in order, am I programmed robot or what?! Within 15 minutes of my first task I was sitting on the couch with jell-o legs.

We as mothers are so accustomed to taking care of everyone and everything else and having ourselves fall to the wayside.  Getting sick makes you stop and  take notice and care of yourself. It's kind of funny to see the reactions of my kids and husband when they realized I was really sick, it's like a deer in head lights but eventually, they got it and moved through the day as best as they could, counting the minutes until I was better (so things can get back to normal).

Laying there in bed for hours got me thinking, why do I have to get sick to lay around and watch a movie or catch up on the shows on my DVR? Should I play sick once in awhile or should I just demand some down time for myself? I also thought about the role that it put my husband in, not totally comfortable running the show, but it gave me the peace of mind to know he could do it  and probably gave him a little boost of confidence in the process. So mamas, don't wait until you're sick to take a break do it when you're well so you can really enjoy it. You may get a deer in head lights look at first but it'll pass.

The Self Discipline of Discipline

Getting my children to listen to me once in a while is monumental feat. I'm guessing some of you mamas out there can probably relate? For me, the trick isn't always in getting my children to do what I ask it's me having the resolve to continue to expect it. I tell my daughter during the day that she can not come lay in my bed in the middle of the night but when 1 am rolls around and she is at the side of my bed asking to lay with me it is SO much easier to pull back the blankets and let snuggle up until she falls asleep. Is this sending her the wrong message? Probably, but in the wee hours of the morning I'm not up for a debate or even totally awake. Being a mother is a constant test of self discipline not just with the kids but with ourselves, eating the right food not succumbing to the wrong food or getting everything done that needs to get done while the kids are at school, when all you want to do is veg out on the couch and  watch the latest episode of Parenthood on your DVR, in peace and quiet.

One of my kid's favorite things to do is ask me for something I would normally say no to when I'm on the phone talking to someone. "Can I have a bowl of mini marshmallows?" "Can you buy me a toy next time we go to the store?" I've actually found myself giving my daughter a (small) bowl of marshmallows just so I could get back to my conversation with someone I haven't seen or talked to in 5 years. That is a classic case of seriously lacking in self discipline. My point is, my children (and sometimes my husband) will never stop trying to see how far I'll bend before I break, they're not bad kids (husband) it's just in their nature to see what they can get away with before I drop the proverbial hammer. If any of this rings true for you my advice is to pick your battles, we're too damn tired and busy to be fighting and debating all of the time, so pick what means most to you and stick with that. It'll be tough at first but eventually they will see you're not messing around and maybe someday they will realize you did it because you love them.